


heavy in your arms

by reylo_garbagecan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Almost smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad coping mechanisms, Chandrila, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Leia is a great mom, Married Life, Paralysis, Post-TLJ, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Soft Ben Solo, Sort Of, Super Affectionate Rey, ben and rey have issues, but ben can hide it better, they are very in love but can't deal with their problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylo_garbagecan/pseuds/reylo_garbagecan
Summary: Rey is having trouble switching to a safe, civilian life after the war has ended. Luckily, her husband always knows how to make her feel loved and safe and at home whenever she spirals. Unluckily, he does a very good job of hiding his own afflictions, right up until he isn't.





	heavy in your arms

**Author's Note:**

> This just sort of popped into my head one day and I had to write it, but on that note, I didn't do any research whatsoever so I've probably taken some creative liberties with Chandrila since the only thing I did was google search images :)))) Anyways, bear with me on that but I hope it's still enjoyable. Also ~Trigger Warning~ this fic really is about mental health and the unhealthy coping mechanisms that both Ben and Rey use and there will be definite references to self-harm so if that is upsetting to you, please do not read this, I have absolutely no desire to upset anyone in any way and I wish all of you the best. The song I used to title this and pulled verses from for the beginning is "Heavy in Your Arms" by Florence + the Machine

_I was a heavy heart to carry_  
_My beloved was weighed down_  
_My arms around his neck_  
_My fingers laced to crown_

 

* * *

 

There was so much food. It was the only thing that Rey could look at. It was really the only thing that she could ever look at whenever she attended the lavish parties in the new Galactic Republic's capital of Hanna City, Chandrila. She was not a part of the new government nor did she partner with it to raise up a new Jedi Council like everyone had expected her to. Her only reason for being there was because her husband's home world seemed like the one place that made sense to go to. Rey had adventured and visited as many planets as she had wanted to and she was happily settled with the closest thing she had to a family in the closest thing she had for a home. The only downside were the parties that she had an obligation to attend as a veteran of the war fought and as the last Jedi. 

The politicians weren't terrible and the parties were entertaining, but none of them knew any better. None of them knew what it would be like to starve, and therefore couldn't possibly know what it was like to watch someone not eat everything on their plate and the sight make them sick to their stomach. Rey shuddered at the memory of the first party she had attended.

_"Why is there so much food?"_

_The representative from Rodia chuckled to himself, "To eat, of course, Mistress Jedi."_

_Rey paled, "What happens if it's left over?"_

_The Rodian shook his head, baffled by her strange behavior, "It will spoil, so it must be disposed of. Have you taken ill?"_

_A strong grip stopped her slight form from swaying, and Rey trembled as she looked into the eyes of her concerned husband. His mind reached out to hers in an attempt to soothe the panic that he felt from her, and his eyes widened as he understood._

_Ben's gaze flickered up to the worried politician as he ushered her off to a corner, "Apologies, please excuse us."_

_He had calmed her down and shielded her from view as she silently cried. To the partygoers, they looked just alike to two lovers sharing a secretive tryst, they knew nothing of a fallen Jedi comforting a former scavenger of Jakku. Eventually, she collected herself enough to reintegrate herself amongst the people and seem just as at ease as she had been before her episode. Ben hadn't known until two days later that she had stolen and hoarded away any food she could fit into her purse (a decorated bag that was deemed fashionable and therefore had to be carried at every party, lest Rey be the scandal of fine society). When she had insisted to him that the food was still edible and ate it to prove it only to become violently ill for the rest of the day, he had cared for her in every way possible. No one had ever held back her hair or rubbed her back or murmured kind words of assurance and love or made sure she took her medicine before._

Similar to how that night went, Ben's arm snuck around her waist, catching her where she faltered. His sympathetic eyes smiled gently down on her, and gave her the boost she needed to move forward. Once they were seated at their reserved table, he turned toward her with a slight twinkle in his eye. Rey knew that that meant he was up to something, and he was very excited for it, which meant that it was the kind of something that would make her very happy--it was always something that got him excited. 

"What are you planning?"

"Not a thing," he was a pitiful liar, and he absolutely knew it, his words serving only to aggravate her by suspense.

She shook her head and took a sip of her water as he tried to hide his small smile by doing the same. She chanced a glance at the seating cards on the table, surprised to find that there had been one brave soul who deigned to sit with them that night. Often, they would find themselves at a private table, Ben's former reputation of Kylo Ren did very little to help them make friends with the old politicians who had narrowly escaped annihilation from the Hosnian system. There were those who attempted to sit with them to watch them intently, but by the end of the night, they would find that there was very little to gossip about when it came to Ben's polite and decidedly not murderous behavior, and they would find themselves suddenly sick from being in such close proximity to someone of his ill legacy. Being that he was such a terrible liar, it was nearly impossible for Ben to hide how deeply the alienation of--not only himself but of Rey by association--affected him. He would often lay in their bed afterward and confess how much guilt he carried for dragging Rey into his world of shame and disgrace. However, even when he was aggressively confronted by burning fanaticism and hate, there was something about him that was decidedly different.

_There was something about the way he never rose to fight. Rey remembered how close the drunken and angry man had gotten to her husband. The man was just as tall and well-built, but of course, he was not trained in the force as Ben was, so Rey did not really fear for his safety were it to come to a brawl, but she was uneasy nonetheless. There was no way to tell how Ben would react to hateful words and a challenge. She had of course heard all the First Order stories of how quickly his mood could snap to unyielding fury. If Ben were to harm the senator, despite the probable warranted reaction, he would never be given a fair trial with all the witnesses who hated him in their company._

_When Ben suddenly moved, Rey nearly jumped out of her skin and nearly shouted at him to stop before she realized he had merely turned his back to the man and begun to walk away. The senator's yelling increased in volume and he stepped forward as if to follow after him when the host interceded and demanded that he be removed from the premises. Rey swiftly followed her husband's retreating form all the way back to their small transport. He seemed startled when he noticed her, but he didn't request space._

_"Ben, that was very good of you. I'm not sure that I would have been strong enough to not throttle him."_

_He shrugged and picked at a piece of his tunic until it began to unravel. She placed her hand atop his to stop him, and he chanced a glance at her._

_"I mean it, Ben. You were very forgiving. I'm proud of you, and I love you."_

_Without using words to respond, he picked up her hand and pressed his lips to the back of it._

Rey's thoughts were interrupted by the host speaking to the large assembly of them, "As I have already made a speech to you all tonight, I shall make this one very brief. You may all take your fill of the buffet that I have provided, and I hope you will enjoy. Just know now that an excellent proposal was brought to my attention moments ago by none other than a guest in this very room whom has decided to remain anonymous. From this moment on, all of the items displayed here that remain once we have all had our share will be preserved and donated to our local orphanage."

Words of praise were showered upon the host of how gracious he was and how wonderful a proposal it was and how many of them must do the same at their next party, but Rey could scarcely hear any of it. Her hands gripped Ben's arm tightly as her eyes filled with tears that would hopefully go unnoticed. His smile was soft as he wiped her tears off her cheeks and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Does this make you happy," he murmured with hope in his tone.

As she looked in his eyes, all she could see was yearning for her approval. All he ever seemed to want to do was to make her happy since the war ended and they had settled. Fitting into society after a lifetime of not was disastrous. Rey could not handle a life of excess. Just the sight of a shower was enough to send her into a hysterical mess. 

_He had only been trying to show her how it worked, when she'd frightened him by collapsing on the cold floor in a fit of tears. He'd dropped to the floor and scooped her up before he even knew what was wrong. She'd only wriggled out of his grip to be closer to the water falling from the tiled ceiling. Rey stuck her arm into the water and wept at the feeling of so much water. She had only ever used a bath, it saved more water that way. As she watched the water collect at the floor and swirl into the drain, sobs wracked her body all the more to the point that her throat was sore and would be almost unusable for the rest of the day._

_Ben had understood then and just held her as he let her watch the water and ride out all of the feelings that were unleashed at the sight of an endless supply of water. He'd told her that the water was recycled and would go on to be purified so that it could be used again. That had helped lessen her tears, to know that the water that slipped through her fingers would return to her again._

Ben's eyes turned worried that he had made a mistake from her silence, but she gave a watery smile and a chaste kiss, "You always make me happy," she whispered against his mouth. 

He blushed--always responsive to her affection-- and leaned in to capture her lips without a care in the world for anyone else who may have been watching them. She hummed happily against him and pouted when he pulled away.

"I love you," she happily sniffled as she wiped away any remaining tears.

His eyes were always so intense, and it made her feel weak in the knees every time he caught her gaze, "I love you."

They made it through the rest of the evening's events with very little incidents. The only ones being when Ben had to insist that she still eat her food despite her desire to give as much as possible away to the orphanage. He only convinced her by stating that they could buy as much food as they wanted for the children and weren't limited to just one night. Ben was always making her eat more than she had been used to, her nature to eat little and conserve her food for later was very worrisome to him, and it was one issue that she couldn't really understand. She supposed it all came down to the desire to always provide for and take care of her, so he never wished her to think that she wouldn't have food to spare. 

There was also the dancing portion of the evening that had gone mostly awry. It had started with the whisperings of the other couples surrounding them. Ben, of course, had been the main topic. To the people who would never know the truth of Ben Solo's character, it would never matter how in love with him Rey was, they would always whisper about their disbelief in her ability to be able to stomach the presence of such a volatile monster. The worst part of those whispers were that they were actual fears that Ben carried but suddenly voiced. While they danced, however, he did not react at all. There was not a single nervous twitch in his eye nor a feeling of despair roiling through their bond. Rey found it extremely odd but ignored it for the delight that perhaps he had changed his mind about that particular subject.

"There's something different about you recently," she whispered conspiratorially as they spun around the gossipers.

He smirked, "Is that so?"

She nodded, "You seem more...at ease. Calmer."

"I am," he agreed.

"What changed?"

He kissed her forehead, "Nothing."

She smiled, he really was a pitiful liar, but she wouldn't press. It was a happy thing, she'd wanted him to feel calm and safe for months to little avail. If only he could tell her his secret, perhaps it could work for her too. The song they had been dancing to ended and the host demanded a switch of partners. Ben smiled at her, and they moved to sit again, an understanding passing through them that no one else would ask for them to dance. It was to both of their surprises then that a Nubian couple approached them and asked if they would be interested in a swap. The girl introduced herself and the man as her elder brother who had wished to show her the workings of the new government. 

The man seemed polite enough for Rey to take his hand, but she was wary of the look in the girl's eyes. She did not look at her husband as if he were a monster but rather...a prize. It was then that Rey was suddenly reminded of the fact that Ben Solo was not only good in society for gossip but also in connection. His mother was one of the most influential women in the galaxy, his grandmother had been a queen, his grandfather had been one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, his uncle was the savior of the Rebellion, and his father--well--it was no question where he got his looks from. Ben Solo was certainly not unattractive. She spent the whole dance with an uneasy feeling rattling her bones as she watched her husband dance with the Nubian girl who was--from the whisperings around her--a _very_ graceful dancer. 

Rey couldn't help the sick feeling she got when the girl whispered in his ear and made him smile even just a bit or when she laughed at something he said or when she moved her hand from his shoulder to the back of his neck. She couldn't help but notice that the girl was indeed, very beautiful. She was much more shapely than Rey as she probably did not grow up starving and her skin was a flawless porcelain, having never had to work outside in the beating sun most likely in the whole of her life. All Rey could do was nod along to whatever the man was saying so as not to seem too rude. It was pointless to try when the sight only brought all the feelings that came when she thought of her parents rushing back to her. 

She knew that it wasn't fair to Ben, and deep down, she knew he would never leave her and would be hurt to think that she ever thought he would, but she just couldn't shake old feelings. Besides, she'd been such a pain to deal with recently, always crying at the sight of something so inconsequential and always having to pick her back up. Maybe it would end up being that Ben did love her, but that he would also be exhausted from loving her. The thought made her dizzy, and she was thankful when the song ended so that she could hastily say her goodbye to the man and sit with the pitcher of water.

Pressing her hand, cool from holding the cup of cold water, against her forehead, her eyes fluttered closed. Almost immediately, Ben was at her side asking what was the matter. A tear slipped through her eyes humiliatingly, only serving to remind her of why she was upset in the first place. Crying too much, exhausting Ben.

He could hear her thoughts in the midst of her distress, "Sweetheart, no, please don't think that. I love taking care of you because _I love you_. How did this happen?"

The fog over her mind lifted and she realized suddenly how foolish she'd been and thoroughly confusing Ben, she chuckled slightly, "I'm sorry. It was nothing, I see that now, I'm fine."

He still seemed concerned, a furrow in his brow as he was leaned in trying to study her features to see if she was really telling the truth, "Maybe we should go home. It's been an...emotional evening."

Rey agreed, she felt drained, even if she had spent most of the evening happy. Not to mention, her sleep schedule had been very off. It was hard to shake off the light sleep that had kept her alive both on Jakku and in the Resistance. She exhaustively resented every single noise that was made in the night. Even Ben, sometimes, if he held her tighter or when he would wake up to go wherever it was that he went (maybe she would have to wake up long enough to see where that was sometime) and then when he would inevitably rejoin her, careful not to touch, but nothing ever quiet enough. She always made sure to attempt a nice breakfast for him if she recalled snarling at him in the middle of the night for him to be quiet. She would always bolt up, heart racing, and eyes adjusting to the nighttime to check for attackers. Perhaps that was why her emotions were scattered and she felt so unbalanced. During war or extreme survival situations, she could run on adrenaline alone, but since the need for adrenaline had significantly decreased, all she was left with was unnecessary jumpiness.

She allowed herself to lean on Ben as they made their ways out of the large room and toward their transport. When she put up very little fight for piloting their transport back home, instead opting to curl up into the co-pilot seat and let her eyes droop, Ben understood just how tired she was and kissed her on the head, murmuring for her to sleep. When her eyes flashed open again, it was because Ben had picked her up to carry her inside. She reigned in her instinct to break free from being held onto, instead she settled into what she recognized was an affectionate and charitable action from someone she loved. He laid her down in her bed and pulled the blankets up to her shoulder, not bothering with taking off her dress. Before he could walk out she grabbed his hand.

"Where do you go?"

He kneeled beside the bed so he could see her at eye level, "What do you mean?"

"At night, when you get up, where do you go?"

His eyes flickered to their hands and back up to her eyes, "I meditate. It helps keep my emotions in control."

She smiled, detecting no lie in his voice, "So that's what's been different. Meditation."

He nodded, "I was thinking about earlier. When we left. You should know, she was my cousin. Distantly, but my grandmother was from Naboo and...she was my cousin."

Rey blushed and smushed half her face into the pillow, "I'm sorry, Ben. I'd never think--even if she hadn't been--it's just sometimes I--"

He quickly planted a featherlight kiss to her knuckles and interceded, "I understand. I love you."

Her grin must have appeared dopey with how tired she was, but she couldn't find it within herself to care too much, "I _know_. Now go meditate!"

Ben seemed hesitant to leave her, "You'll be alright?"

" _Yes_."

"I don't want to wake you when I come back, should I sleep out--"

"Absolutely not!"

He smiled before nodding once and leaving the room. She closed her eyes and fell into the deepest sleep she could muster until he returned from his meditation. When she came to groggily, he seemed pale and exhausted, and she wondered what kind of meditating he did, but she quickly lost the will to care when he joined her and surrounded her with nothing but warmth and love. Rey only woke up one other time that night, and it was easily the nicest sleep she'd had in weeks.

* * *

 

The next morning, Rey awoke to a feeling of horror from Ben's side of the bond and his body recoiling from her as fast as he possibly could. She groaned and stopped him mid-panic with a glare.

"Ben, we're _married_."

He flushed and stared intently at his lap, willing away the unwanted biological reaction to being pressed up against his warm and soft wife, and he stammered, "I know, but I didn't want you to have to wake up to--well-- _this_ , it's just, you've been under more stress and _this_ is probably the last thing you need--"

She smirked and crawled into his lap, the dress from the night before crinkling at her waist, and she mumbled against the shell of his ear (a favorite spot of his despite all efforts to conceal that fact from her), "Why does everything always have to be about what  _I_ need. What do _you_ need, Ben? Hm?" 

The mood quickly changed from endearingly awkward to something much more heated. He closed his eyes and gave a full-body shudder. It really had been a long time since... _anything_ had occurred. While perhaps he was right about her not necessarily being in the right mood for anything of that nature, he had not calculated that she was very enthusiastic about _his_ mood. Like the deviant she was, as she pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the corner of his mouth, missing him on purpose, she reached between their bodies to touch him. He groaned and absent-mindedly let his hips roll into the palm of her hand. 

Timed between kisses and strokes, she whispered against his skin, making goosebumps rise all over him, "You always take _such_ good care of me, Ben. Let me take care of you, just for one morning."

"Mm," was his only response as she pushed back his shoulders and started to unfasten his sleeping trousers.

She kissed her way down his chest as she shimmied off his pants, leaving him just in briefs, which did little to hide the obvious tent. Rey could tell he was desperately trying to speak, but no sounds save soft whimpers and gasps left his lips as she toyed with him. When he resorted to speaking through the bond, his voice was strained there too. It had been a  _very_ long time.

" _You don't--ah--have to,"_ his eyes rolled into his head as she finally tugged down the last barrier of clothing and the cool, morning air caressed his burning skin.

She shushed him and ran a comforting hand along the inside of his thigh. At least, it was supposed to be comforting. The same moment that she realized she was not touching smooth skin, but rather evenly spaced bumps, he hissed in pain and jerked his head up to look at her. When she met his eyes after tearing them away from the impeccably organized and straight lines of red marring the insides of his legs, she saw how his eyes were no longer wide with lust but rather fear. He had been caught, but with what she didn't understand. She ran her fingertip over one fresher looking scratch, an angrier red color. 

"Ben," her voice was embarrassingly shaky, "what--what are these?"

He was at a loss for words, she could tell, but suddenly a wall came down over his face, making him seem emotionless and apathetic--a survival tactic if she'd ever seen one, "It's part of my meditating."

She gulped and eased his briefs back onto him, having never gotten them past his knees, he flinched ever so slightly as the fabric dragged across the scratches, "How can something that is obviously painful to you help you meditate?"

His eyes were guarded, and she could tell the moment that he snapped into being defensive, his tone almost petulant, "Pain is instructive."

A sudden sickness washed over her as she recalled him telling her of the many ways Snoke had trained him, "And is this how...your master... _i_ _nstructed you_?"

Ben's answer was so simple, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Yes."

Anger bubbled in her chest, "But he's gone."

"Yes."

"So who hurts you now?"

His eyebrows furrowed, "I _instruct_ myself, if you must know."

She couldn't stop herself from yelling, even as he flinched, " _If I must_ \--Ben! I love you, I married you, and I have told you _everything_. How could you possibly act like this was something I don't have the right _as your wife_ to know about? How can you act as if I'm overreacting? Ben, you're hurting yourself!"

His cheeks turned red, and she could feel his defensive anger boiling through the bond, "Would you prefer it if I were to snap every time my emotions got the best of me? What if I told you that every time we go to those  _wretched_ parties, all I want to do is crush their throats. I know that that's wrong, _you_ were the one who helped me see that, but it doesn't change the fact that I still have a monster trying to claw its way out of me every single day. Now, I've finally found a way to be--to pass for  _normal,_ but it seems that _you_ don't approve of my methods!"

Rey could feel the tears streaming down her face, "Of course I don't approve of you hurting yourself, Ben! Why wouldn't you tell me any of this? I could have helped somehow, we could have found another way  _together._ "

He shook his head vehemently, "No, I don't have _time_ to find another way, I have to stay focused," she realized belatedly he was suddenly only half speaking to her, he was mostly speaking to himself.

"Focused on what?"

His eyes were wide and wild, "On you! I have to stay focused and make sure that you stay happy because I love you  _so much,_ and I want you to always be happy, and then if you stay happy you'll," he cut himself off sharply and pressed his lips together in that nervous tick he always seemed to fall back to.

Rey thought she felt actually sick, "Then I'll what, Ben?"

He closed his eyes as if accepting death and whispered, "Stay. Then you'll stay with me."

She felt dizzy, and even as she looked at Ben, behind her eyes when she blinked, she could only see endless sand and waiting for parents who left her, "Ben, I would never leave you. And this-- _none of this_ \--makes me happy," the dizziness turned to nausea and she bolted from their bedroom, still in her dress, to the fresher where she emptied all of the contents of her stomach several times in a row. 

For what felt like hours, she stayed in there. Not once did Ben come in to check on her or hold her hair back like he did the other night that she'd gotten sick. He did not rub her back and tell her words of comfort or make her take any medicine. She wasn't sure that she really even expected that, but it had been nice to at least think of the memories of his actions to get her through the bouts of illness even as her world with him seemed to shatter all around her. Eventually, she felt fine enough to get up and get herself water, and when she walked back through the bedroom, he was exactly as she'd left him. He was still scarcely dressed, sitting up in the exact same spot on his side of the bed. When she walked in and stared at him, he never moved except to breathe and to blink. She got her water and decided to make a call.

 "Finn?"

His face was blue through the holo, but she'd never been so glad to see his smile before, "Rey! I haven't been able to reach you in...well, I'm not really sure actually," he scratched his head before replacing his smile on his face once again, "Anyway, how've you been?"

She hadn't accepted his calls in weeks, she didn't want to pretend to be fine like she had to do for everyone else, but she couldn't tell him she wasn't either. For her sake, she had to stop hiding.

She took a great shuddering breath and willed herself to not cry, which Finn easily caught onto, "I'm not good. We aren't good. I don't know what to do anymore, Finn, I just need to talk to someone."

His eyes were very serious even if they were being transmitted to her from lightyears away, "Of course. What's wrong? Do you need me to come get you?"

Her eyes widened and the thought of her actually leaving Ben was enough for her to sober up and take control of her emotions again, "No! No, it's not like that at all. It's just," she bit her lip, wondering if it was alright for her to talk about their personal problems even if it was with her best friend, "Finn, we've both been through so much and being here...with all these people who could never understand...we just aren't doing alright. I've been falling apart for months and he was taking such good care of me that I never even noticed that he was just as worse off as I am and now I know how bad it really has been this whole time and Finn I--"

"How bad has it been, Rey?"

She thought back to the symmetrical slices on his legs and how some of them seemed weeks old and how every time he walked it must have hurt him and he would have been using that pain all this time to focus on  _her,_ "Very bad. I'm not sure it's my place to share, but...it's  _very bad._ "

"And you didn't know until?"

"A couple of hours ago. He's been hiding it from me because he's been trying to keep me together," she furiously wiped at a tear on her cheek.

"Rey, I don't think someone can support someone else when they themselves aren't...put together. He's been trying it seems, and it hasn't been working and he's only going to be worse off for it. So now, I know you, you're going to try and do the same for him. I don't think you can do that."

It was a reality that Rey had been trying her hardest not to face all day, "But we still need each other, and I won't leave him, that would never be helpful in a thousand years. So now, I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Finn seemed thoughtful when she suddenly heard another voice, and another familiar face stepped into the holo's sight, "I think I actually have a solution, sorry for sticking my nose where it probably wasn't supposed to be."

Poe Dameron was too difficult to be cross with, so she only nodded for him to continue, "I think you should let the General stay with you."

As much as the idea made Rey's heart soar with hope, "I could never ask her to leave in the middle of all her political duties, and you're still chasing down Hux and the last of them--"

"Well, I guess you haven't heard and I guess I shouldn't call her the General anymore because she stepped down. She refused a seat on the New Republic Senate and she's left the Republic forces to me. All she does now is give--of course--excellent advice when we ask for it, politically or strategically. The thing is though, Rey, we're not doing much out here and everyone misses home once in a while. Without the war and without a job and without Captain Solo or Luke Skywalker, you and Ben are all she has left. I think that she needs to find peace and home, and I think you need someone that understands both of your pain and can...help with it but objectively. Call her, and I promise you she would come."

Rey nodded enthusiastically, "Okay, I will."

In her excitement, she nearly cut the transmission without saying goodbye, "And Rey?"

Poe's face was lighter than before, "Stop going to all those parties that I've heard about. I know you don't like the people and I know they don't like Ben and you don't actually have to go to them. Focus on yourselves for a little while. Disappear. It'll do you good."

"Thank you, both of you. If you could ever spare the time, please visit us. I miss my friends."

They both nodded in agreement and waved goodbye to her. She took a deep breath and made another call.

* * *

When she reentered their bedroom, the sun had begun to set on a terrible day, leaving gold rays on her husband's shaking form. He was sitting at the foot of the bed, holding a small blade loosely against his knee. In her panic, she froze him, and his eyes jerked to her in fright. She ripped the blade from his frozen fingers, unsure of where it landed behind her. It had been so long since she'd seen Ben truly vulnerable, but she wasn't sure she had ever seen him quite like this.

When she frantically checked over him to see if he'd done any more damage to himself, he started to wail. She discovered no more marks and attempted to coax him into standing so that she could get him back into bed. He covered his face with his hands and released choked and awful sobs into them that shook his whole body. Trying her best not to panic, she rocked back onto her heels and focused on gently lifting him with the force instead. She made sure to keep him cushioned as he moved through the air, and as he wept he hardly even noticed that he'd been moved until he softly landed on his side with his head on a pillow. 

He removed his hands and looked at himself then at Rey as she finally took off her horrible dress that smelled like sick then crawled her way into bed. He held one arm out to her as if to desperately reach for her and she held onto the hand tightly. In his desperation to be closer to her, he pulled himself by the hand so that his head and shoulders were nestled into her soft lap, while the rest of his body curled around her. While he wrapped his arms around her midsection and cried into the skin of her stomach, she shushed him and carded her fingers through his hair. 

"Please don't do that anymore, Ben. I love you, and I'm sorry I yelled at you. I understand now. Thank you for trying to be brave for the both of us. Thank you for setting aside your own needs for mine, even if I didn't want you to. Thank you for trying to find different ways to let out your feelings, and I'm sorry that I didn't notice you struggling before now, I should have. You don't have to worry anymore. I have a surprise for you, I hope you'll like it, if you don't, I hope you'll understand at least, but it's a good thing."

He attempted to speak between his sobs, finding it a bit difficult, especially as his words muffled themselves into her skin, "I'm sorry for being so--revolting--I'm sorry, I just wanted to be--enough--for you--"

Rey blanched and leaned over to press frantic kisses into his hair, "No, no, no, darling," she hadn't used that endearment yet, but she was suddenly very fond of it, "don't say that. You've never been revolting and you've always been enough for me. I've only ever needed you, Ben."

Ben's wet face pressed more insistently into her belly, "So you won't leave me?"

She gasped and wrapped him up in her arms protectively, "I would _never_."

He cried until he fell asleep, the tears not even dried on his face as she moved him and tucked him into the blankets. Not once did she consider retreating to her side of the bed, opting instead to rest her head on his spine and loop her arms around his waist, even wriggling a leg in between his. Through the bond, despite even unconsciousness, she could feel his appreciation for the skin-to-skin contact, and she felt guilty. It had been such a long time since she'd really shown him affection. When they'd first expressed their feelings for each other, she had been insatiable for the feeling of his touch, his skin beneath her fingers, and not entirely in the heated way, but in the sense that she wanted to feel all of him all the time to remind herself that he was real and he loved her and she loved him. Touch-starved as he'd been his whole life, she was heaven to him, and Rey blinked away tears as she'd thought about how much he had been sacrificing for her while she had been oblivious to his sufferings. 

His mood the following day was worrisome to say the least and only confirmed Rey's decision to call for his mother. Like the day before, he would lay still, only breathing and blink, with no reactions to anything. However, the exception had suddenly become her. It was as if his body was on auto-pilot to follow her every move. When she'd left the bed to special make them both breakfast, he'd woken in a panic by himself until she ran in and reminded him of her presence. From then on, he followed her every step, even reaching out occasionally to just brush his fingers against her skin if only barely. He only moved when it was to be closer to her, sitting at the table beside her for breakfast and staring blankly at his plate as if he didn't know what to do with it.

When Rey eyed his uneaten food, it made her very uneasy. Her own issues that come with a lack of food started to come out to play in her brain, and she had to swallow back her anxiety. When she attempted just touching the side of his plate to remind him to eat, he just shakily held her hand. While Rey logically knew that Ben wouldn't waste away from missing one meal, her anxiety wouldn't shake, and she was flung into horrible visions of Ben with even sharper angles than before, his cheeks all sunken in and lifeless. 

"Ben, please eat."

Her voice seemed to have little effect on him, but she tried once more with a different tactic that made her feel a little guilty, "It would make me _very happy_ if you would eat, Ben."

Nothing. She picked up his spoon and scooped up some of the food, his eyes flickered to her movement like a well-trained animal. The spoon held at his lips, his eyes finally had something of a spark in them as they finally flickered over to look at her with interest.

In her head, he spoke to her, "No."

She spoke to him through the bond as well, "Why not?"

Something like panic manifested through his emotions, but physically he never moved, "I can't. I don't have control."

Rey set the spoon down and pulled him up by the shoulders, swallowing her fear, she whispered into his mind, "Then I'll just have to take care of you."

"I'm afraid."

She pressed a kiss to his jaw, and led him back to the bedroom, "Trust me. It will pass, and my surprise is still on its way. Let me help you until then. How about a bath?"

He gave his nervous assent through the bond and allowed her to undress him and help his stiff and uncooperating limbs into the fresher as it filled with pleasantly warm water scented with something calming. She gave him a clinical wash over--careful to be gentle on his legs-- and scrubbed his hair wash of choice into his scalp just the way that he liked until he was practically purring over the bond. After washing all the hair product from him, she massaged the tension in his shoulders out from where he always held himself so tightly coiled. After she had helped him out and dried him off, she helped him back into a pair of underwear and slid a soft bathrobe over his arms and onto his shoulders, tying it comfortably over his midsection.

She led him into the living area and had him sit on the sofa. She pulled out the medkit and delicately placed bacta patches on the unhealed marks on his legs. It was evident through his discomfort through their connection how much he despised her having to see that part of himself. When she finished, she gave quick kisses to each of his knobby knees and laid him down onto the sofa. Joining him, she curled her feet underneath herself and cushioned his head on her legs. Her fingers danced through his hair absent-mindedly as he simply laid on his side and stared at the wall, blinking every once in a while to let her know he was still present.

Rey wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. Eventually, she thought she fell asleep, because when a knocking came from the entrance it certainly felt like she woke up. Ben was in the exact same position, eyes still open, still blinking, yet unresponsive. She wished he would sleep, but she had a feeling he had little control when it came to that too.

"Should I be concerned," Ben's small voice flooded her mind once again.

She kissed his temple and slid out from underneath him, "No, can you stay here?"

It was so strange to hear his voice but not see his expressions change in the slightest, "Can you call me that again? From last night?"

Rey smiled and kissed his nose, "Darling? Stay here please."

The knocking persisted and she hurried to the door only to be faced with Leia Organa herself, Rey squeaked and shut the door quickly behind her so Ben wouldn't hear her just yet, "Rey, dear, what's the matter?"

She huffed a breath but smiled in relief to see the older woman's face again all the same, "You're here. It's barely been a day and night cycle."

Leia pulled her into a perfect, maternal embrace, "Yes, well, this is family and it's important. I've let myself get distracted and ignore my family before, and clearly it didn't turn out well," she pulled back and stared into Rey's eyes very seriously, "I will be here this time. For you and for my son."

Rey beamed at the closest thing to a mother she had, "I never doubted you for a moment, I'm only impressed by how quickly you've managed to get here."

"Ah, well, Chewie knew a few tricks, we came on the Falcon. He insisted on it because he missed you. I told him to wait on the ship, best not to overwhelm you."

Rey nodded, thinking of Ben laying motionless on the sofa, "Yes, that would be best."

The older woman caught her tone and tucked a strand of hair behind Rey's ear, "Has anything happened since we last talked?"

She nodded again and quickly replayed the night before and the events of her day to Leia who listened with rapt attention, "So you say he can understand you, but he can't respond?"

"Yes."

For a moment she was shocked as Leia smiled until she realized it was dry and humorless, "He got that from me, I suppose. Back when our war had ended, there was always so much to do. I had Ben and Han and a galactic government to rebuild. Some days, it would be too much and I would freeze. Han could have told me the funniest story and I wouldn't have twitched. Ben could have been crying from the other room and I couldn't even move to go to him."

Rey felt utterly relieved that someone else at least understood what was happening to him, "How did you get rid of it?"

There was that smile again, "I waited."

They moved inside quietly, and Rey could see around the sofa enough to know that Ben had listened and stayed where he was, though she wasn't sure if it was that he'd listened or just done the only thing he could do, despite being able to walk earlier in the day. Leia walked around to him and painfully sunk to her knees to see him at eye level. Rey could feel his shock and joy at seeing her there with him. Like she'd done for Rey, she tucked Ben's unruly, damp hair behind an endearingly large ear. Through their connection, she could feel how much he was begging himself to be able to move to hug his mother and speak to her.

"I know, darling, I know. It happened to me too. Just wait it out, and you'll be back up again."

Rey grinned to herself as she understood suddenly why Ben had enjoyed that endearment the way he did. It was what his mother called him when she was being comforting. She could imagine all the kind and sweet memories he must have attached to the name and wished she had memories of a similar nature. Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she moved herself to sit underneath his legs, holding onto his bare feet, which he very much wanted to squirm and laugh at her touch to, the bottoms of them being very ticklish. 

Leia stood and Ben panicked for a moment that she would leave, then she took Rey's former spot on the sofa by his head. She pet him and whispered words of love and assurance to him that only a mother could give. 

"Don't you worry, we'll figure everything out. I love you," she looked at Rey and smiled, reaching to grab her hand and run her thumb soothingly over her knuckles, "I love both of you, my children."


End file.
